P.S. I can't hear my feet
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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