Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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