It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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