I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
