after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
