You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
