Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
