We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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