Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
