i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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