Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize