Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize