So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
