If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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