What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize