at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
