he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
