Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
