just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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