For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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