i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
