i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
