how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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