mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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