I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
