If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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