I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
