Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
