I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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