I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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