Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So vagazzling was a success
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
