my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You are the jesus of drinking
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
