I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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