He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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