I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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