i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
