Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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