you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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