im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
