you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
