He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
