I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
