So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
then he tried to convert me to islam
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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