Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
