Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
