I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize