I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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