life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
