you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You pole danced in your parka.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
