If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
