I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
