allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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