Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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