Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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