I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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