Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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