the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
