So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
