The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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