TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So many bounce houses so little time
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
