Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize