Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just googled if crying burns calories
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
