I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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