I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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