He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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